Bloody April
by Neryl Morphea
Summary: You want to see Romano singing and dancing the MACARENA? Or Weaver killing someone? Or Doug coming back to the ER? Then this twisted FUNfic with all the cast members is made for you! - LAST CHAPTER!!! PLEASE R&R!!
1. Chap 1

**Authors:** Neryl & Morphea  
**Feedback:** morphea@ifrance.com  
**Disclaimer:** As you probably guessed, ER and its characters don't belong to any of us (sigh), otherwise we wouldn't be writing this but episodes scripts instead (sigh).  
**Censor:** PG, because of some deliberate violence... :-)  
**Spoilers:** 7th season spoilers? Not a chance... 'cause we're both French... And you know what spoilers are really for ? For people like us who won't be able to see the 7th season before next October... (another sigh) Spoilers are what keep us alive! (but you won't see any brain tumor in this fic...)  
**About the story:** It's supposed to take place the 1st of April, and during the 6th season. Oh, and Lucy is alive. Call that the fanfics miracle. We wrote this FUNfic in turns, sometimes finishing the scene the other had begun... So the "~*~*" are there only to separate the writers, not the scenes... One last thing: maybe we made some vocabulary or grammar mistakes. But hey, we made our best, so PLEASE R&R!!  
**Things you should know before starting reading:** This story is COMPLETELY TWISTED!! Now you're warned...  
  
  
  


**Chapter 1 : **

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
"Time of death, 14:52." said Carter with a sigh. Another one he couldn't save. As everyone was leaving the trauma room, he threw his bloodstained gloves in the nearest garbage can and began to leave too. But something made him stop. A strange feeling. He turned back and looked toward the corpse: his left arm was hanging down from the gurney. Carter went closer and pushed the arm back on the gurney, glanced at it briefly and then headed again for the door. As he was about to leave, a movement caught his attention. He turned back once again: the corpse's left arm was still hanging down from the gurney.  
  
What the hell is going on here? he wondered. Maybe rigor mortis had set in and caused the arm to fell... Yeah, it could be that... For the second time, he came back near the gurney, pushed the arm back on it. And waited. Just a few seconds, to see if the arm would fall once more. As it didn't move, Carter began to leave, but kept looking toward the corpse. He turned his head only a split second, but it was enough for the arm to fall again.  
  
Carter began to turn pale. Something really weird was going on. He took a deep breath before coming near the gurney. Then he heard a faint sound, the sound someone would do trying to refrain from laughing. Carter gave a jump when he saw Dave raising suddenly from his hide-out behind the gurney, saying "April fool!"   
"Oh god, Malucci..."  
"You should have seen your face!" said Dave, grinning broadly. As Carter was staring at him with fury in his eyes, he added: "Oh come on, it was just a joke..."  
"Try funny jokes next time, for a change."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
Shirley half-opened the door of the trauma room to say :   
"Two traumas are coming. Car versus tractor."  
"She said a tractor, didn't she?" said Dave   
"Yep, she did."  
Carter and Malucci went out of the trauma room to the counter. The traumas were already coming. Kerry had already listened the check-up of the first person while Mark was taking care of the second.   
"Carter, ask Carol to come!" said Kerry  
Then, Carter realized that the man lying on the gurney rang him a bell...  
  
  


**OPENING CREDITS: BLOODY APRIL**

  
  
  
Carol was in the locker room. She was ready to go back home after her 12 hours shift. Suddenly Carter came in.   
"Carol, I think you should come"  
"No, I've finished my shift!"   
"You really should come"  
Carol followed Carter out of the locker room and both of them nearly started running to trauma 1. Kerry was going out of the room.  
"What on earth ..." Carol darted a glance through the glass door and realized that the man lying on the gurney was Doug J .  
"He was driving a tractor in his (nice) farm (ihyahihyaho). He wanted to avoid a cow and went on the road. There he met the driver of the car who was driving quite fast. His state is much more worrying." said Kerry.  
"Is it serious for Doug?" asked Carol.  
"No, thanks to his safety belt. He has only two ribs broken and a cranial trauma."  
"Can I see him?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
"Of course."  
Carol rushed in the room:  
"Doug! Are you all right? What happened?"  
"Carol! I'm so happy to see you! Do you know if the cow pulled through?" asked Doug anxiously.   
"What cow?"  
"The cow I tried to avoid!"  
"Oh... That cow... Well... I think it's okay. I haven't heard of any wounded cow."  
Doug let out a sigh of relief. "I think I would feel really bad if something happened to her." "Er... Doug... Aren't you supposed to be in Seattle ?"   
"Yeah, but I own a farm several miles from Chicago, never told you about it? Sometimes I come back there when I have a few days off."  
  
  
Meanwhile, in trauma 2... Mark was taking care of the car driver. He was badly injured. "Give me a scalpel"  
Chuny put something in his hand. Mark handled it, and quickly realized it was a plastic toy.  
"No, the REAL one." said Mark, handing it back to Chuny, who gave him the real scalpel with a smile.  
Hearing the machine's beep, Mark said: "We're loosing his pulse, let's shock him! Charge the paddles to one-fifty!"  
"Er... Mark, I..." objected Chuny.  
"Gimme those paddles! Stat!"  
A split second after, Mark was shocking the patient. The beep kept resonating in the trauma room.  
"Dr Greene, listen to me!"  
About to shock him again, Mark turned towards Chuny, and saw her waving the disconnected plug of the machine. He looked at the defibrillators, then at the patient, and then at the defibrillators again.  
"So... He's not really fibrillating, is he?" asked Mark.  
Chuny inserted the plug in the outlet, and watched the signal that appeared on the screen of the machine: "Sinusal. It's normal."  
Mark sighed and put the defibrillators back in their place. He checked the patient: he was stable.  
"Dr Greene, I'm sorry, but I slipped and I accidentally disconnected the plug. It's all because of this slippery thing on the floor." complained Chuny.  
"What slippery thing?"  
  
  
**End of chapter 1...**  
  
What is that damn slippery thing they're talking about?  
Will they all go on with those stupid jokes?  
And will Doug have to buy another tractor?  
Stay tuned!  



	2. Chap 2

**Chapter 2 : **

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
  
Meanwhile, on the roof, Elizabeth was waiting for an helicopter to touch down. In fact she had been waiting for 2 hours. It must be an April fool, she thought, but the problem was that the door was locked and hence she couldn't go back to the ER. Of course the sight was quite interesting, she had never thought that we could see so many things from this roof : the roofs of Doc Magoo and of all the houses near the Hospital, the ballet of the ambulances, the flakes of snow dancing in the wind and even accidents of helicopter striking a high tension wire. It must have been dangerous to make such a big April fool but these Americans were so strange. Nothing would astonish her on behalf of them.  
  
  
In trauma 2, Mark and Chuny were looking at the thing Chuny had slipped on.  
"A plastic heart?" asked Mark.  
"It's funny, it looks like a real one..."  
Mark bent down and gathered the "slippery thing".  
"In fact it IS a real heart. I suppose you don't know whose heart it is?"  
"No, my jokes aren't THAT stupid"  
Suddenly Doug rushed into the trauma room and said:  
"Something is going wrong with Carol and I can't find anyone to help me!"  
"Shouldn't you stay quiet in your bed?" said Mark "Be careful with your perfusion, you're spreading green liquid everywhere on the floor"  
Mark followed Doug through the unusually desert corridors to Exam 2.  
Carol was lying on the floor in a pool of blood.   
"Is it another joke?" asked Mark  
"I don't think so" answered Doug  
" Er, Doug, don't you think there is something missing next to her left arm, just below her collarbone?"  
"Well, you know, it's quite a while since I stopped medicine..."  
"Her heart, clot!"  
"Can't we do anything?"  
"I wonder if you have ever studied medicine or at least watched an episode of ER"  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
Something suddenly and violently hit Doug's face. Several times. Again and again. His vision finally faded, and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, the only thing he could see was Carol's hand getting closer and closer to his left cheek.  
"OOOOOWWWW!!!" shouted Doug when Carol's hand finally hit him.  
"Doug! Are you alright?" anxiously asked Carol.  
"Are YOU alright, Carol? Why did you hit me?"  
"You lost consciousness, I didn't know what to do, you seemed to be having a nightmare, I just wanted to wake you up!"  
"I was indeed having a nightmare, in which you had lost your heart and it had been trampled underfoot... Maybe it's some kind of metaphor... By the way, were you really forced to slap me?"  
"I don't know, I had a sudden impulse."   
  
  
Elisabeth watched her beeping pager. A major trauma needing surgery was coming. Pooh... As long as she would be stuck on the roof, they'll have to page Benton instead of her... Couldn't they see that she hadn't been around for nearly 3 hours now? She wanted to yell "HEY!! I'M STUCK ON THE ROOF, YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!" but it would be useless.  
She shivered. It was getting really cold up there.  
  
  
Luka JJ took a chart on the pile, and gave it a quick read-trough while walking towards exam 4. There, he found a forty-year-old man, sitting on the bed and waiting for him.  
"Good evening, Mr... Williamson." he said, verifying the patient's name on the chart. "So, what are you suffering from?"  
"Isn't it obvious?"  
Luka took a closer look to the patient, and frowned when he realized his face was entirely green and covered with small inflamed spots.  
"Do you have any idea of what provoked that?" asked Luka.  
"My son said it was supposed to be the best April fool he had ever done..." began Mr Williamson with a sigh. "He sprayed me with a green colorant containing something I'm allergic to, but he didn't know I was."  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
"At least, he knows it, now. Er... can I ask you a question?" said Luka.  
"Yeppp"  
"Do you know you have an arm growing in your back?"  
"Yep. It's a result of one of my son's April fools. Doctors said it was also due to an allergic reaction."  
"It must be quite annoying?"  
"Oh, no. In fact it's even useful to scratch my back."   
"Of course. I see... What does your son do for a living?"  
"He works in a nuclear plant"  
"It must be very interesting."  
"The main problem is when he brings work back at home as he did yesterday. Fortunately I always travel round the world since I won to the national lottery two years ago"  
"Well, it's not very serious but I'll give you a pomade for your spots."  
Luka went out of the room. Today was a strange day.   
  
Meanwhile, Elizabeth was still on the roof. Her fingers started turning blue. It was quite a nice color, in fact. The view was still interesting: she saw several fires and even some car accidents. There was no way to get annoyed on this roof. She could even see people living in the building on the other side of the street. It was really fascinating and especially the man who did weightlifting. Now she understood better why so many people came here to "smoke a cigarette". She realized that Mark didn't smoke and often climbed up here. These Americans!!! There was even a woman who spent her time naked in her apartment.   
Suddenly, Elizabeth heard a noise: she turned back and saw the door opening. It was Peter with a beatific smile on his face.  
"Hello!"  
"Peter, be careful, don't close the...."  
The door was already slamming.  
"What on earth are you doing on this roof, Elizabeth? Everybody is looking for you!"  
"I couldn't open this door and now it's locked again... Why are you smiling, Peter?"  
"You know what? I'm happy"  
"It's a joke?"  
"Yes, it's my April fool. It's funny, isn't it?"  
"Not really."  
"Ah."  
Suddenly, Peter stepped over the little wall that separated them from the space.  
"Peeeeeeeeeter !"screamed Elizabeth "This April fool is worse than the last one..."  
  
  
**End of chapter 2...**  
Will Elisabeth understand Americans one day?  
Will Benton survive from his jump?  
And will M. Williamson be mistaken for a green firefly?  
  
Stay tuned!!!  



	3. Chap 3

**Chapter 3 :**

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
Dave's glance scanned the ER, searching for a new victim. Who will be the next one who will have to put up with the little devil's new April fool?  
Lucy? Mmh, no, later... When she'll have finished to take care of the patients he was supposed to take care of himself.  
Weaver? The chief wasn't known for her great sense of humor, but it was so much fun to make her cross...  
He rapidly located her. A satanic smile appeared on his face.  
  
  
Mark hurried out of a trauma room to the reception desk:  
"Randi, I told you we needed a surgeon for trauma 1, we're still waiting for him..."   
"I've paged Dr Corday, but she didn't come, so I've paged Dr Benton, but he's not here yet, and I wonder whether he'll come or not... I guess I'll have to page another surgeon... Dr Romano probably..." she said with a pout.  
Mark thought about it for a second, and then said:  
"Romano mingling with the lower classes? I'm sure he'll love the idea..."  
  
  
Carter was talking to Deb when Dave rushed between them, running toward the other side of the ER.  
"What the hell..." he began, but stopped when he saw Dr Weaver limping fast, really fast, faster than ever. She yelled:  
"Malucci!!! You'd better come back here RIGHT NOW!!!"  
Carter and Deb both laughed.  
"Hey, isn't that Benton that's laying on the ground outside?" asked Deb.  
Carter looked in that direction, and ran out. He kneeled near Benton:  
"Peter! Are you all right?"  
"Mmh?" Benton muttered, half-conscious. "Oh yeah, I think I fell on something soft..."  
"What happened?"  
"Can't remember... Just a joke... Elisabeth..." Benton closed his eyes as he lapsed into a coma. Carter turned toward the ER:  
"Bring me a gurney!"  
  
  
Elisabeth was carefully watching over the little wall. She had heard some kind of "miaaaaooooow!!" when Peter had touched the ground. Something soft had probably broken his fall... Carter had then come over Peter and asked for a gurney. Of course, no one had looked up to the roof...  
And now, Peter was unconscious and couldn't tell anyone he saw her here, the door was locked, and she was still stuck on this damn roof...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
Kerry was standing in the middle of trauma 2. She was staring at the scalpel she was holding in her right hand. It was covered with blood. A man was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, his blood. Kerry said, smiling:  
"At least, you will never make other stupid jokes. You've spent your time laughing at me. You made my life a hell but now it's over. A made of rubber: it was your last joke!!!!!"  
In her eyes, a strange gleam was glinting. She took a piece of tissue and cleaned the scalpel, taking care of wiping out any fingerprint. She put it on the floor, next to the body and went out of the room trying to do as if nothing had happened.  
  
  
Carter was looking for Luka. He hadn't seen him for a long time now and he needed his opinion for a young boy with a nail driven into his head. He opened the door of trauma 2 and rushed to the body lying on the floor.  
  
  
At the same moment, Kerry was entering the lounge. She remained rooted to the spot: Malucci was bent over the table, preparing his next bad joke, using tomatoes and pockets of blood.  
When Dave looked up and saw Weaver watching him, he half-panicked. He thought he had got rid of her, but obviously she didn't give up easily. And now she had caught him preparing another joke...  
"Um.... I can explain it to you chief..."  
"Never mind Malucci, you can do what you want..." said Kerry, with a strange feeling of weariness in the voice.  
"Are you sure you're alright?"  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
(why am I always the one who has to find explanations?)  
  
Kerry looked hard at him: if HE was there, who had she left in trauma 2? Who had she mistook Malucci with? Right, she only saw him from the back, but the man was wearing a blue scrub top, and everyone knew Malucci was the only one in the hospital who used to wear blue scrub tops. But... Now she was thinking of it, the man she had "scalpelized" was taller than Malucci was...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
In trauma 2, Carter was trying to resuscitate the man he had found lying on the floor. He needed a surgeon and he was forced to admit that he had wished Romano had been there. While he was intubating him, he noticed that the man looked like Malucci.  
With a closer look he realized it was Luka. How could he have mistaken him with Malucci? he wondered while beginning a CPR. Maybe it was because of the blue scrub top... But why was Luka wearing a blue scrub top, anyway?  
  
In fact, even if Carter had tried to page Romano, he probably wouldn't have come. Because Romano was having a good time. And he was very far from the madness that reigned at the ER... He was merely dancing the Macarena in his living room, only dressed in white with little red hearts boxers, a bottle of whiskey nearly empty in one hand and a cigar in the other. His dog (remember Gretel?) was quite puzzled by his behaviour, wondering where so much joy could come from.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
(I've just realized there was something a bit surreal in what Neryl wrote at the beginning of the story (yeah, even MORE surreal than it usually is), so, as usual, I'm trying to fix things a bit...)  
  
Elisabeth shivered once again. It would have been wise to take a coat, but when she came up there, she had thought it would be only for a few minutes. And how could she have guessed it would be snowing? In APRIL?? Ah, these Americans!! Always doing things in a big way! It suddenly reminded her of an ancient axiom: "snow in April, go dance a reel."   
  
  
Randi waved at Mark, who was coming to the admit desk:  
"Dr Greene... That surgeon you asked for... Dr Romano was supposed to be off today, so I called him at his house, but nobody answered."   
Meanwhile, at Romano's...  
"HEEEEEEYYYY MACARENA!!!"  
Back to the ER, in front of the admit desk:  
"I will call again in a few minutes." Randi added.  
"It's too late. The patient's dead." said Mark, wiping off a line from the board.  
(I've killed someone!!!!)(It's all Neryl's fault. Too much pressure.)  
"Randi, have you got any idea where all the surgeons are, today?"  
"Maybe there's a surgeon summit or something."  
"No, Elisabeth didn't tell me anything about something like that."  
Something on the board caught Mark's attention: there was a P. Benton in the "patient names" column...  
  
  
Luka suddenly regained consciousness. His eyes widened when he saw Carter getting his mouth closer to his own, as if he was going to kiss him. He violently pushed him back:  
"Hey!! What do you think you're doing, Carter!!"  
"Hey, you're alive man!" Carter joyfully exclaimed.  
"Of course I'm alive! What were you doing?"  
"I was trying to save you! You had lost consciousness! Um... Luka... There's blood on the ground... Aren't you supposed to be wounded?"  
"Wounded? Oh, yeah, maybe, I remember someone hit me in the back."  
"Let me see..." Carter lifted up the scrub top to examine Luka's back, and discovered... "A bullet-proof vest??"   
"I always wear one since what happened in Croatia."  
(Ok, I know it's REALLY far-fetched, but how was I supposed to save him, huh?)  
Carter helped Luka to take his bullet-proof vest off, and examined his back, expecting huge lacerations considering the amount of blood on the ground: "Only a few scratches...? Do you always bleed that much even for small wounds?"  
"Usually, yes."  
"But... Why did you collapse?"  
"I can't stand the sight of my own blood."  
(and yes, he's a doctor...)(hey, stop complaining, and blame Neryl instead of me! She's the one who's trying to kill everyone! I'm just trying to save everyone and to find "rational" explanations to all this...)  
Carter began to clean Luka's wounds. "Why are you wearing a blue scrub top? I thought you were Malucci."  
"Why am I..." Luka began, puzzled. "Oh yeah... A kid I took care of threw up on me, so I had to change my clothes... I had nothing else to put on, those blue scrubs were the only things available."  
(and once again, Magic Morphea managed to explain everything! Tadaaa!)  
  
  
**End of Chapter 3...**  
  
Will Elisabeth stay stuck on the roof and die of hypothermia?  
Will Weaver kill (or try to kill) someone else?  
And, above all, will Romano's neighbors call the police because of noise pollution?  
  
If you want to know, PLEASE REVIEW, and be sure more fun is coming...  
And feel free to send suggestions!  
  
  
You can also send feedback to :  
morphea@ifrance.com 


	4. Chap 4

**Chapter 4 :**

  
  
(this chapter is a bit shorter, but we're both quite busy these days! :-)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
In exam 2, a couple was tearing each other apart:  
"You left me alone with two kids!!" Carol said, sobbing.  
"But I didn't even know you were pregnant!" Doug answered.  
"Well... er... er... You should have guessed! HA!"  
"And how could I have guessed?"  
"Maybe if you were a bit considerate, you would have!"  
"I'm NOT inconsiderate!!"  
"Oh yeah? Quote someone who's less considerate than you, if you can!"  
"Errr... Romano?"  
Meanwhile, at Romano's...  
"I WANT TO SPEEEEEND MYYYY LIIIIFETIIIME LOVIN' YOOOUU!!"  
In exam 2... Carol considered Doug's answer for a few seconds.  
"Yeah... You're probably right... Oh, Doug, I'm sorry..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
Meanwhile, on the roof... Elizabeth was still there and the weather was still snowy. She was standing next to the door, a bit sheltered from the snow. Suddenly she heard an increasing roar. She looked up to the sky to see where it came from. After a few minutes, she finally saw an helicopter that was flying, or at least was trying to fly. In fact there was a man hung to the left kind-of-long-ski-the-helicopter-land-on. Now the helicopter was flying above the roof where Elizabeth was. The man was now hung only by one arm. The helicopter was now swinging from right to left, obviously trying to make the man let go. That's what happened after a few seconds. He landed on the roof of the Cook County Hospital, just at Elizabeth's feet.  
Then the man got up and started rubbing himself from the snow. He took up his hat that has fallen during his fall, put it back on his head and said:  
"I'm Walker, Texas Ranger."  
"Nice to meet you. Elizabeth Corday."  
"Where am I exactly?"  
"You're on the roof of the Cook County Hospital."  
"In "E.R."?"  
"Yes."  
" Shit... I failed in my stunt."  
"I think so."  
"Well, I was pleased to meet you but I have to go. There is danger somewhere and this is where a ranger should be."  
Then, Walker stepped over the little wall that separated them from the space and jumped. He must be a real American man, with the whole outfit : the jeans, the cowboy hat, and the blue shirt. She was so tired and disconcerted that she did not even worry about what Walker had become.  
Elizabeth bent down and took something up. It was a cell telephone.  
At least there was a positive aspect to all this stuff : she may be able to phone someone. Despite her frozen fingers, she managed to switch the phone on. Then she dialed the number of the E.R.. She took the phone next to her ear and heard an unpleasant ringing.  
The battery was low.  
  
  
Meanwhile, Mark was taking care of an old man suffering from a strange headache.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
"So, Mr... er... 'Nobody'???" Mark said, reading the old man's chart. "I guess that's not your real name."  
"Of course not."  
"But... Why didn't you give us your true name?"  
"Because it's a secret."  
"Ah. Yeah, right..."  
Why everyone seemed to be completely twisted today, except himself? Mark wondered. Maybe it was the full moon... Sometimes it had strange effects on some people...  
"Anyway... You complained about headaches?"  
"Well, not really. In fact it's a secret code. I'm just waiting for my informer.   
"Yeah... Of course... I should have guessed it... Er... I'll come back later, ok?"  
"Ok, but make sure no one disturbs me and my informer when he'll be there."  
"I will..."  
Mark got out of the room and headed for the admit desk:  
"Randi, call a psych. It's for exam 1."  
"Ok! Um, Dr Greene... I haven't any news about the surgeons... There isn't any around. Only Benton, but he's kind of... er... unavailable."  
"And you still don't know where Elisabeth is?"  
"Hey, you're the one she's dating... YOU should know."  
"Ok, ok... What about Romano?"  
At the same moment, at Romano's:  
"I DON'T WANT A LOOOOOOVER! I JUST NEED AAAAA FRIEND!"  
Back to the admit desk:  
"You can try to call him too if you want. He's probably not even at home." Randi said, shrugging. "I tried to ask Dr Weaver what I was supposed to do, but she seemed a bit... away... In my opinion, people will soon begin to complain. I mean... It's an hospital, we're supposed to have surgeons... Maybe there's a surgeon strike?"  
"I don't know... Well... I suppose I'd better try to find Elisabeth..."  
  
  
Kerry was drumming nervously with her nails on her office's desk. Was she becoming completely mad? She remembered having killed Malucci. Or at least seriously wounded him. And then she had saw him in the lounge, apparently uninjured. So who the hell had she attacked? She was beset by doubts. She had to find out.  
  
  
Conni got out of exam 4 and called: "Dr Carter! Dr Benton's waking!"  
"I'm coming, Conni." Carter answered from the other side of the hallway. He finished to fill in his chart and put in on the rack at the admit desk. Then, he walked in exam 4:  
"Feeling better?... That was a pretty fall, Dr Benton, uh?"  
Benton, laying in the bed, frowned. "Who's Dr Benton? And who are you?"  
"You mean... You don't remember who you are?"  
"Of course I DO remember who I am! But I've never heard of that Dr Benton you're talking about."  
"You're sure you remember who you are?" Carter asked skeptically.  
"How could I forget? I'm internationally famous! I'm Killer Joe, the famous wrestler!"  
"A wrestler. Yeah. Of course."  
"Haven't seen my last match, against Bill the Butcher?"  
"I must admit I didn't... Ahem... I... I think we'd better do some cranial scans. Should have done them earlier..."  
  
  
Dave put the pockets of blood in place, and giggled. That would be a good one. Probably one of his best. Now everything was prepared, so he'd better get out of there before someone saw him and spoiled his prank. He opened the lounge door just in time to face Kerry, his gaze meeting her bloodshot eyes. Uh-oh, he thought. Seeing her coming back probably wasn't a very good sign...  
  
(I shouldn't stop writing there. I perfectly know it, because Neryl is a serial killer (license to kill level 9). But I do anyway...)  
  
  
**End of Chapter 4...**  
  
Will Kerry kill Dave (for the second time)?  
Will Benton organize a wrestling contest in the ER?  
And who is the mysterious informer of Mark's patient?  
  
Please review!  
And please send your suggestions! (Neryl seems to need some)  
  
If you recognize all the songs featured here, call 555-941-942, and maybe you'll win one of our wonderful salad spinners, special edition!   



	5. 

**Chapter 5**

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
(It's not a good day to kill) (note from Morphea: no kidding???)  
  
Dave and Kerry were facing at each other. Seconds turned into hours. Kerry's look expressed anger mixed with madness and a strange sadistic smile was creeping over her face. Dave started feeling really bad and quite scared. Then he realized that behind Kerry, there were many people: with so many witnesses he would be quiet. At least, that was what he was thinking. He decided to risk the lot ; he charged toward Kerry and rushed out of the lounge. He started running all over the ER and even beyond. (note from Morphea: yeah... to infinity, and beyond!... It's Dave Light-year space ranger! ;-)   
"At least we'll be quiet for a while" Kerry thought. But she was still perturbed: Malucci was not wounded, she was sure of it now. But she still didn't know who she had killed.  
(that kind of things happen to me all the time, I never remember who I killed)  
  
  
At the same moment in exam 1, the famous Killer Joe had just entered the room. He started chatting with Nobody (and congratulations for finding this name, you can't imagine how wonderful jokes we can do with it...)(note from Morphea: reader, hang on to your seat, you'll see the joke in a few lines...).  
  
Nobody : The weather is fine today but the price of the banana is higher than yesterday.  
FKJ(the Famous Killer Joe) : But the coconut is better with a little sunshade.  
Nobody : The cat named Fraggle enjoys nibbling at toes but my uncle has a nice farm. (iyahiyaho) (I must have a problem with farms...)  
FKJ : Your uncle's farm is bigger than my aunt's garden.  
Nobody : It depends on the season.  
FKJ : And on the captain's age.  
Nobody : That's ok. Here is the nuclear missile. If someone asks you, we've never met, haven't we?  
FKJ : Ok, Mr Nobody.  
  
And Nobody went out of exam 1, leaving the FKJ with a heavy black suitcase that could contain a little nuclear missile. (You know what? I have an idea for the end of the fic)(it would be a shame not to use this missile) (Does anybody really care about the ER building?) (If you want the building to explode, call the 555-940-940, and if you don't want it, call the 555-941-941)   
  
A few seconds later, Mark went back into exam 1 with the psych. He found the famous Killer Joe fighting against the defibrillator. He was so absorbed by his fight that he didn't even realized they had entered the room.  
Mark : Peter!  
FKJ kept trying to explode the defibrillator punching it. As Mark had met Carter a few minutes before, he had heard about Benton's I-am-a-famous-wrestler thing, so he tried something else:  
Mark : Hey Joe!  
FKJ dropped his enemy and turned over to face Mark.  
Mark : Where's Nobody?  
FKJ : I don't know Nobody. I don't know anything. I'm innocent.  
Mark : I'd just like you to say to the psych, Mr Himself (this one is for another joke, in a few lines too...), who was there a few minutes ago?  
FKJ : Well, ok, I'll tell you, but only if you let me fight with you.  
Mark : ok.  
FKJ : Nobody.  
Mark, to Himself : That's what I told you.  
Himself : No. You told me a mad man was there. But he's just said there was nobody. Mark : No, there was someone.  
FKJ : Oh no, it wasn't "someone" but Nobody.  
(guess who will go to psychiatry...)  
Himself to Mark : You seem a bit confused.  
FKJ : That's what I told him. He's also convinced I'm a surgeon and that my name is Peter Benton.  
Himself : Oh, I've heard of Benton. He's said to be very unpleasant, unlike you. But... wait a minute... You're the famous Killer Joe, aren't you?  
FKJ : Yep!  
Himself : May I have an autograph, please?  
FKJ : No problem. What's your first name?  
Himself : JR but if you could write "for Kiki", it's my nickname.............. Oh, thanks, I was pleased to meet you.  
FKJ : So was I. It's always a pleasure to meet a fan.  
Mark, to Himself, while they were going out of exam 1 : Do you have room in psychiatry?  
Himself : Yes, I think so. Why?  
Mark : Maybe I should go there some day...  
  
  
Meanwhile, on the roof, it was spring. Thanks to a spatiotemporal fault, the time was retracting. And there were also some problems with notions of space. The positive effect was that Elizabeth was no longer frozen, because the snow had melt. She had looked the grass growing, the trees budding and the swallows flying. Then she decided to try to pick branches up to build a shelter where she could sleep. She also intended to hunt or to fish in order to have a real meal. More than once, she had thanked her mother for sending her to join the scout movement. She knew how to light a fire and all the main rules to survive in the wild jungle of the ER roof.  
  
  
And at Romano's...  
"OOOOOOOUPS, I did it again... I played with your heart............"  
(Note from Morphea: of course he played with a heart, he's a surgeon, duh!)  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
(I think I'd better do something with that nuclear missile before Neryl do something really stupid...)(er... who's not going crazy, stuck on the roof, drunk and singing, or running around the ER yet?)  
  
An improvised ring had been built with beds and gurneys in exam 1. A deep voice, coming from nowhere, said:  
"The famous Killer Joe versuuuuuuus Mark the Maaaaaaad Doctor!!!"  
Mark and Benton were looking into each other's eyes, gauging each other. They were dressed in usual wrestling outfits. A feeble wind was stirring their hair (especially Mark's ;-) .  
"I'm gonna punch your head off!" the Famous Killer Joe said.  
"Good thing I took my glasses off, then." Mark the Mad Doctor answered to the blurred form in front of him.  
They began to turn round each other on the ring, Mark the Mad Doctor trying to find out where the Famous Killer Joe was exactly, and the Famous Killer Joe considering how he would punch Mark the Mad Doctor's head off.  
At that very moment, Kerry, who was still trying to find who she had killed, entered the room:  
"Hey! What the hell is going on here! Mark, what are you doing?"  
"Huh?"  
The Famous Killer Joe took that opportunity to throw his fist at Mark the Mad Doctor, but Mark ducked before the fist hit him.  
"Peter!" Kerry exclaimed. "Why are you trying to hit Mark!?"  
"Because Nobody was there." the Famous Killer Joe answered. "And stop calling me Peter! I'm the Famous Killer Joe, an internationally known wrestler!"  
"Whoever you think you are, STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY!!"  
"No! He promised we would fight!" the Famous Killer Joe complained.  
Mark the Mad Doctor brusquely took the defibrillators and threatened the Famous Killer Joe with them: "HA HAAAAA!!! You stop showing off, now!" In fact, Mark thought he was threatening the Famous Killer Joe, but in reality he wasn't. But it was so hard for him to tell without his glasses...  
At last, a crutch hit his head, and Mark the Mad Doctor fell unconscious on the floor. While she was at it, Kerry forged ahead and hit the Famous Killer Joe on the head with her crutch as well.  
"Tsss... Stupid doctors..." Kerry finally muttered, looking at her two unconscious coworkers on the floor  
. Then, she noticed the heavy black suitcase in a corner of the room. She walked toward it and opened it.  
  
  
Meanwhile, at Romano's...  
"There's a looooooog on the fiiiiire, and it buuuuuurns like me foooor you... SAAAAAAVE TONIGHT, AND..."  
Romano suddenly interrupted his wonderful singing, and Eagle-Eye Cherry was now singing all alone. There was a sudden light, appearing just near Romano's couch. Through it, he could see trees. A lot of trees. Intrigued, Romano walked through the light, followed by Gretel, and they both disappeared.  
  
  
Elisabeth was just coming back from the roof's seashore to the roof's jungle. She had seen dolphins there, even Flipper! (Ok, ok... Neryl challenged me: she said I wouldn't manage to put Flipper in this chapter...)  
Then, a sudden light appeared, and Romano walked out of it with a dog. Elisabeth raised an eyebrow: Romano was only dressed with boxers, and had a cigar in one hand and an empty bottle of whisky in the other.  
"Robert? How did you manage to get up here?"  
Romano looked around: the jungle, the lianas...  
"You Lizzie. Me Rocket. Her Gretel."  
"Er... No... Me surgeon. You drunk."  
  
  
Kerry closed the suitcase. She didn't really know what that thing in it was, but she had an idea of how to use it anyway. Looking toward the door, she saw Dave running in the hallway.  
When she came out, a frightened Dave saw her and ran away:   
"AAAAAAAAHHHAAAAHA!!" But somehow, Kerry managed to catch his arm and to stop him.  
Protectively, Dave put his other arm in front of him, knowing that the chief would probably try to kill him. But instead of that, Kerry just asked:  
"Dave, you see this suitcase?"  
"Huh?"  
"There's a bomb in it. If you stop running, it explodes. If you run under 20 km/h, it explodes too."  
"HUH?"  
"RUN DAVE, RUN!!!" Kerry yelled, forcing the suitcase in Dave's arms.  
Dave first looked at Kerry, opening his eyes wide, and then began to run all over the ER again, holding the suitcase.  
  
End of Chapter 5  
  
  
What will happen between Lizzie and Rocket?  
Will Mark be committed when he wakes up?  
And where are Carter and Luka, probably the only two who aren't going crazy yet?  
  
  
If you enjoyed this chapter, please review! ;-)))  
And CHALLENGE US to put the twisted things you want in this fic!!  
One last thing: to convert km/h into mph, divide by 1.4. Or 1.6. I never remember.  



	6. Chap 6

**Chapter 6**

  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
Meanwhile, in the lounge, Carter and Luka were chatting and drinking.  
Carter : This liqueur is a bit strong, isn't it?  
Luka : Yes, it's the interest.  
In fact they had been there for an hour and it wasn't their first glass.  
Luka : You know what?  
Carter : No...Tell me!  
Luka : I was fed up with the image I gave in Croatia. For I was a go-go dancer, people... thought I was only a sex symbol. I ... I suffered too much.  
Carter : That's why you left your country?  
Luka : Yes. I've al...   
Carter : Life is very very very very complicated...  
Luka : ...always dreamt to be an actor.  
Carter : ...I wanted to be a singer...  
Luka : ...But now people compare me to Ross...  
Carter : ...Like Michael Jackson....  
Luka : I'm fed up with it...  
Suddenly Carter got up, took off his lab-coat, took a salad spinner that was drawing along, put it on his head and started to sing and dance.  
Carter : HEY BILLIE JEAN...  
Luka : He's so handsome. I'm not up to it.  
While Carter was trying to do a kind of moonwalk, Luka took a sheet. He climbed on a chair, hung one end of the sheet to the ceiling and rolled the other around his neck.  
Carter : HEAL THE WOOOOORLD....  
Then the chair fell...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
(don't tell me I'm supposed to save him AGAIN?!?)  
  
Carter suddenly stopped singing and moonwalking.  
Carter : Maybe it would have been nice to be an actor too... Yeah, like Sean Connery as James Bond! I would have fight Goldfingers, or Dr Nô!  
Then Carter, completely drunk, turned toward Luka and saw him hung to the sheet.  
Carter : Aha! A young lady in distress!  
Carter took a nearby scalpel and staggered toward Luka. Then, he waved hesitantly the scalpel toward him.  
Carter : Er... Which one of you two is Luka? That doesn't really matter in fact... I'll just cut both sheets...  
Both Luka(s) answered : That's ok Carter. The sheet was two long anyway. I didn't manage to hang myself.  
Carter : So, you ok man?  
Luka : Yeah, I'm ok.  
Luka removed the sheet from around his neck.  
Luka : I'll just have to continue my poor life... To continue enduring the comparisons with that... that... pediatrician...  
Carter : Lukaaaa, my frieeeend!!  
Carter taped him friendly on the shoulder and on the cheek.  
Luka : Geez, Carter, you've got cold fingers!  
Carter, still remembering his I-am-James-Bond dream, began to sing : COOOOOOLD FINGEEEERS...  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Neryl**  
  
And on the roof, the weather was more than fine. A mod of lions was resting in the shade of trees, the cheetah was running after the graceful antelope, several hippopotamus were wading in the mud and pink flamingos were quenching their thirst. There was even a python next to a liana. In fact they were so close that anyone could mistake them. Everything was quiet in the jungle (except for the graceful antelope) (who's no longer very graceful). As for Elizabeth and Romano, they had taken refuge in a big tree one day ago. After a long run through the jungle, pursued by a mad panther, they had no choice but climbing in a tree. Now they were looking at the panther they called Kerry - because it limped - wondering when it would move.  
Suddenly, the flamingos flew away, the lion, the hippopotamus, the cheetah (despite its recent meal) and Kerry ran off. Romano and Elizabeth had taken advantage of this flight to come down from their tree. At that moment, they felt an earthquake.  
Romano : Do you think the Cook County building is up to standard?  
Elizabeth : I think it's not really our first concern...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
**By Morphea**  
  
Romano : Why? We're on the roof, and if the building collapses we'll probably collapse with it.  
Elisabeth : I still think that's not our first concern.  
Romano : That's why I'm the chief and you're not.  
Elisabeth : Is that also why you arrived here in boxers? Come on, you see that thing there?  
Romano : Um... You mean... that mysterious shadow in the dark with glowing eyes, hidden behind the electricity pylon? Um... Yeah, you're probably right... Maybe THAT is our first concern...  
Elisabeth : And now, Mr "I'm the boss", what should we do?  
Romano : Well... What about climbing back on the tree?  
Elisabeth : Good idea, for once.  
Elisabeth ran for the nearest liana and began to climb. Romano did the same, and grabbed the other liana. Well, the python in fact. Surprised to be so suddenly almost strangled, the python let go the branch he was hung to, and Romano fell heavily on the floor. When he looked up again, two green eyes were looking at him closely. Two glowing green eyes.  
Romano, hesitantly : Er... Lizzy? Someone? Er... Help?  
  
  
Kerry - Weaver, not the panther - was walking in an ER hallway. A satisfaction smile appeared on her face when she saw Dave still running with the suitcase in his arms. Good boy.  
Kerry walked into exam 1, where she had left Mark and Peter unconscious almost one hour before. She saw both of them sitting on a gurney, laughing stupidly. Benton was holding a kind of cigarette.  
Weaver asked suspiciously : What's that?  
Benton : 'That' what?  
Kerry : That thing you're holding.  
Benton : Never seen a cigarette?  
Mark, to Benton : Hey, my turn!! Hihihihihiii...  
Mark took the so-called cigarette and took a puff at it.  
Mark : Hihihiiihiihi...  
Kerry : First, you're not supposed to smoke within the hospital, and second, THAT isn't a cigarette.  
Benton : I think the Mad Doctor isn't used to those...  
Kerry : Stop smoking that joint! You're doctors!!  
Benton : Wanna try?  
Mark : Hihihihiihihi...  
Kerry : Give me that immediately!  
Mark : Yes ma'am. Hihihihihi...  
Mark hid the joint behind his back.  
Kerry : I really can't let you two alone one minute!! Come on Mark, behave!  
Kerry eventually managed to take the 'cigarette' from behind Mark's back. Mark made a pout.  
Mark : Killjoy.  
  
  
Meanwhile, Dave was still running. In fact, he got a bit lost. He remembered turning left after the coffee machine, climbing a few stairs, running around a little bit, turning right after the plant, climbing a few other stairs, and he had finished up in an obviously hostile jungle. But no matter how hostile that jungle was, he had to go on running, otherwise the bomb in the suitcase would explode.  
So Dave kept on running, and running...until his foot suddenly got caught in a recalcitrant root... He gasped in horror as he began to fall, letting go the suitcase. It opened on its own, and the missile engaged itself on its own too (it's magic)(don't mess with Dave Coperfield), and flew away, disappearing far behind the electricity pylon.  
Dave picked himself up, and heard a loud 'boom'. A few seconds later, he saw Romano and Elisabeth walking toward him.  
Romano : Good job Malatucci with that missile! You killed that ugly beast!  
Dave : It was a missile?? I thought it was a bomb?  
Elisabeth : By the way, Dave, how did you manage to get to the roof?  
Dave : We're on the roof??  
Elisabeth : Yeah, the door was locked!  
Dave : What door?  
Elisabeth : The roof's door!  
Romano : Malatucci, do you remember how you got here?  
Dave : Huh? I don't know, I was just running!  
Elisabeth : You mean, you don't remember?  
Dave : Should I?  
Elisabeth : Don't tell me we're still stuck on the roof?  
Dave : What, you mean we're stuck here?  
Lizzy and Romano sighed simultaneously.  
  
  
FIN.  
  
Well, for the moment...  
We've begun to think of other stories, so you'll probably hear of us soon, but maybe we'll write a sequel to this one.  
  
Anyway, if you enjoyed this story, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!  
  
(Hey, wanna know what's on TV here next Sunday evening? THREE EPISODES OF ER!!! And we'll have 3 of them EVERY SUNDAY during ALL THE SUMMER!! Seasons 4 and 5!! And maybe even season 6! And season 7 (at last!!) in October!! :-)))  



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